sp3ranza 2

This is me, few years after my father died; I was just one year old when he left me..my mother managed to find a job and my 2 blood brothers were put into a home; i really wanted to stay with them because I missed them a lot, and it was painful to leave them. I always hoped my mother would leave me in that home too, i did not like to stay with her...she was aggressive/violent and really scared me, i loved when my grandmothers kept me with them..they kissed and hugged me and I was happy with them, but every time I had to go back to my mentally unstable mother, i would cry and be very scare and run away under the table/bed of my grandmother to avoid going back to her...she recovered from coma connected to an accident she ad at work, and even if she was able to remember most of her life after a long therapy, she had lost the motherhood instinct and I could feel/perceive she was not normal, like all other mothers hugging/kissing/loving their children from within...she had lost connection with us, and would play the mother role without regular inner guidance, like regular mothers did..I never remember her taking me to school or coming to the school reunions...only the first day she took me to school....my mother was always missing from my life, never checked if I did my homework or helped me do to them like one of my young sister did with her children and adopted children too, working hard for them, taking them to school, taking care of them and always present in their life, just the opposite of our mother because she knew what she had missed in her childhood and wanted to make sure, her children did not miss too all the love/care a child needs to grow up strong and self confident....So all the other brothers/sisters did, making sure their children were never neglected/abused or suffered like them.....A social worker would have removed me immediately from my mother if those situations we suffered, were happening here today in the USA and would have put me too in a home with adults caring for my safety, and making sure I would get a proper school education and the proper tools to be able to face life...see how young I was, and I had to go around alone, to do shopping for my mother, even if there were not many cars around, i was afraid to cross several streets, and when going to the doctor, there was a very dangerous street full of speeding cars I had to cross, and it always scared me a lot and sometimes i was getting lost too while going back home. I had to do shopping everyday, but the market was closer, and once i went home with the meat I had bought for the broth, but it was missing from my beg when i went home; my mother found only the bone and she was so angry with me, she threw the bone against me; I bent to avoid getting hit, and the bone hit the wall and I was sent back in the rain to find out where the meat had fallen, and pick it up while raining and crying...lot of rain, lot of tears..I really wanted to keep far from my mother and stay with my 2 brothers in that home or with my grandmothers, but they continually sent me back to her because she needed me to help her, i had to help her also when i was 12, because she decide she wanted to get involved into politic and got even a job; so i had to cook, clean and look after my younger brothers/sisters she had with my uncle she wanted to marry, but he was not very happy about and had no choice because my mother got pregdent with his child Silvia, so he had to leave a good job at a fantastic hotel in Milano Marittima, a good woman who loved him, to go back to my mother who gave him some more children and then left him after several years, for a much younger man and we grew up all broken up never with a stable home/family....I wish i was given up for adoption to the couple who really wanted and loved me and fell in love with me when my father died and they saw in what condition I had to live and they wanted to give me a real family and real love i never was able to have...those brothers in the pictures, they were probably thinking i was having a nicer life with our mother, they had no idea what i had to go trough and how violent/crazy she was often scaring me with her suicide threats , and telling me i'll better learn how to do everything well because if she dies, I have to be able to manage on my own..How in the hell can you tell such things to a small child, with the father dead, and telling the child the mother is possible going to die and she has to manage to learn to do all the housework well because she will probably be by herself with no mother too and other crazy stuff i had to grow up with...of course, i was also told by other relatives too, my step father i thought to be my real father (because i did not remember the real one because i was just one year old when he died), Gennaro is not your real father, they would remind me: your real father is dead and you cannot demand too much from him, he does not have any obligation toward you because he is not your rel father, so you have to be very glad for whatever he does for you because it is a great gift etc..I remember while going out with him, of course I would call him daddy, and he was telling me to call him uncle, not daddy, and this was hurting me a lot, because for me, he was my father.....but i could not call him daddy because he was not my real father...so much pain when adults would repeat me those reminders....the only thing i remember about my real father was when my grand mother kept me in her arm and was running toward the hospital where my real father died...I remember an adult holding me, a big door opening up, a woman voice telling: children cannot enter the hospital....I HAD THAT RECURRENT IMAGES AND SENTENCE FOR MANY YEAR IN MY MIND AND I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND IF IT WAS A SORT OF VISION ALWAYS PUPPING UP FOR SOME STRANGE REASONS I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND...ONE DAY I ASKED MY GRAND MOTHER ABOUT THIS RECURRENT VISION AND SHE WAS SURPRISED BECAUSE IT WAS HER WHO HELD ME IN HER ARMS WILE RUNNING TO THE HOSPITAL WHERE MY FATHER WAS KILLED WITH THE WRONG BLOOD TRANSFUSION BELONGING TO ANOTHER PATIENT AND HE WAS READY TO GO HOME AND WAS DRINKING A BEER TOO BEFORE THE NURSE INTERRUPTED HIM WITH THE TRANSFUSION AND DIED IN FRONT OF ALL RELATIVES...MY GRANDMOTHER WAS SURPRISED I COULD REMEMBER SUCH THINGS AND EVEN THE SENTENCE OF THAT THING REALLY HAPPENED...EVEN IF I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF THE SENTENCE, I RECORDED IN MY MIND AND PLAYED BACK MILLION TIMES WITH THE RECURRENT IMAGE AND STRANCE FEELINGS COMING WITH THEM...SO, EVEN IF CHILDREN ARE JUST ONE YEAR OLD, MAKE SURE THEY DO NOT ABSORB/SEE ANY NEGATIVE/VIOLENT ENVIRONMENT, EVEN IF THEY DO NOT TALK, THEIR MIND IS LIKE A SPONGE AD THINGS GO INSIDE AND WE DO NOT KNOW HOW THOSE VIOLENT/NEGATIVE ENVIRONMENT CAN AFFECT THE CHILD GROWTH MIND, PERSONALITY...DO NOT SCREAM AND FIGHT IN FRONT OF LITTLE CHILDREN...LET THEM BE CHILDREN, LET THEM BE HAPPY AT LEAST IN THEIR CHILDHOOD...well, i am not going to mention what happened in my disastrous life when I grew up...It is just a miracle I am still alive, not normal but alive even after the most brutal and absurd abuses (some of them would have sent them to prison) I had to suffer from those people who were supposed to love/protect me, but did the opposite...what do you expect????....